Journal Entry #2

Sunday, April 11
5:30 p.m.

Two thoughts are circulating: Why do I struggle with the ambiguity of life, and what am I most recently learning about myself. Since beginning Seminary, actually, since I made the leap from full-time teacher to full-time student, I've struggled with remembering my true voice, personality and God living within me. I go to Seminary. I study and talk, and think about God seven days a week, sometimes 18 hours a day of that time. So, why have I stopped remembering who I belong to? In one of the entry level classes, one of my professors told us a story. He said that when we come into seminary, we're holding a crystal ball made up of beliefs, experiences and what we've learned about God in our lifetimes. The learning, examining, and evaluating of ourselves, and our faith while in Seminary smashes that crystal ball to pieces. But slowly through the time of learning in the institution, that ball comes back together, it's pieces brought together in new and magnificent ways. Slowly, that's been the case for me. But why, oh why does it have to be such an exhausting process, or is the operative word, ordeal.