From an interview with Annie Lamott by Linda Buturian. A question proposed by Buturian: When you lie awake at night, what kind of child are you in the family of God? How old do you feel?
Annie's response is that nothing (no principals of insomnia..something she says she's suffered with since the age of 4-5) can separate herself from the love and strength of God. However, she does see herself about the age of 11. The in-between stage of being a kid and being a teenager. "It means that I can be a little bit formless and a little bit outside of that need to have an image or a definition to hang it all on."
I like that...and I especially love the question. What kind of child am I? At different stages in my life, I've been different ages in the family of God. I've been the responsible and dutiful adult, and the angst driven teenager. I feel currently about the age of about 9-10. I still need a lot of comfort and holding, and able to allow, even desperately seek and desire, that to occur from God. But, shaky as it is, have developed enough sense of self to stand for what and who I am. Also, at this age, typically not too many people are paying attention to you, so you come and go as you please. You have a sense of protection. You have friends but your existence does not hinge on them, as a teenager or someone in their 20s would. Oh yeah, and school is your whole life and existence, and that's a good thing. :-). All of which is how I see myself now. Next year will be a totally different age in God's family, as I transition from the life of a divinity student into a life of ministry.
I thought of what Lamott says about insomnia. Being someone who lets the ghosts of anxiety and childhood fears run rampart in thinking back over the present day(s) while trying to fall asleep, I got choked up when she gives the reminder that nothing can separate us from the love of God. The reality of truth is that absolutely nothing can.
So, when You lie awake at night, what kind of child are you in the family of God? How old do You feel?